Healthy* Strategies for Coping with Job Hunting

So unlike a dead-beat sadboy in Syracuse, in between dealing with the move (FROM HELL!!-more to come), I’m putting in applications to rejoin you all on the daily grind. While I have some hopeful prospects (fingers crossed!) I decided to up my lifestyle blog ante and share with you all a list of dedicated tips and tricks you need to survive the job hunt in your twenty-somethings. Whether you are looking post-graduation, transitioning, or are somehow leaving your parent’s house for the first time in 8 years here are the many many many ways to cope while you wait for those three little words: You are Hired!

How to Cope With Unemployment

1. Create a Budget

No one likes to hear the word budget, but honestly, it can be a lifesaver. Without a careful budget of your meager savings, divided against the unforeseeable future of unemployment staring you down, how will you know that you can’t afford to do anything but breathe!?

Create a budget based on your earnings savings change you find on the ground and stick to it. Drink coffee in the morning? Save $5 a day by sleeping until noon! Buy lunch out? Why? You ain’t going nowhere anymore! Usually buy organic groceries? Save tons of money by mooching! Whatever you do…don’t bust your budget. You might need that $.02 later.

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2. Network

Nowadays it’s not what you know but who you know! Make sure you take time from your envy-fueled Instagram stalking to throw some lines out to people who can potentially connect you to your next job!

Old classmates, co-workers, teachers, and friends will be more than thrilled to look at you sadly while you discuss the hardships of finding work. Make sure you ask for resume samples so you can see how woefully inadequate you are compared to your salaried friends. Keep floating resumes and options until eventually, your network collapses altogether because you are the weak link. But don’t worry, they “have you on file.”

3. Create a Routine

Being unemployed can make you stir crazy so be sure to create a routine. I personally suggest scheduling time to gripe, moan, and complain as a way to stay functioning. Further, make sure you schedule your migration from your couch to your bed in the late afternoon when all of the employeds are returning from their jobs. Regardless of how you structure your day make sure it includes ample time for self-loathing, fear, anger, and, of course, copious amounts of TV. If your new job ever requires you to rate the latest season of Queer Eye…you’ll be ahead of the curve!

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4. Stare into the void

The void appears quietly after about 1.5-3 months of unemployment (longer if you have more money! That $.02 came in handy!). Make friends with it. Its darkness may be alluring as your debt, responsibilities, and desires slowly start to creep up on you but it is not ready for you yet. Simply stare into it. Master its ways. Be molded by it.

5. Scream into the void

If you did not save that $.02 as I said, you may cope by screaming into the void. Feed it with your anxious energy! Let your screams consume you! Rage! Rage against the void!

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6. Make ink from your tears for your resume/cover letter

Employers like to see personalization! Because even though you are probably applying for any job you can in order to feed yourself, somehow these jobs want to feel like the only one in the world, a totally realistic and not-at-all egotistical request.

In order to make your resume and cover letter really pop and stand out to the hiring managers, I suggest making a customized ink from your tears. To expedite the process, ask the void to provide the pigment and give yourself two-to-three nights of anxious crying in order to have enough tears to make the perfect touch. Less than two and you risk not appearing broken enough to remold into a model employee. First impressions count!

7. Brew tea from rejection letters

Job hunting takes a lot of energy and your shoe-aglet budget no longer allows for coffee. To compensate, take your rejection letters and brew an energizing tea.

8. Come up with constructive ways to destroy capitalism

Let’s be honest, the capitalist system doesn’t work. Jobs are requiring more and more while paying less. Roles are being outsourced or completely outmoded. And CEOs are hoarding profits at a MASSIVE, alarming rate, leaving very little for the workers. While you contemplate your place as a discarded cog in the machine, take time to come up with effective ways to destroy capitalism so that you must no longer suffer under the weighted boot and oppression of the bourgeoisie! Sure it’s supposed to be a worker’s revolution, but some tides lift all boats, right? Viva la revolution!! Seize the means of production!!

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9. Die*

If the CIA, FBI, SEAL Team 6, your nosiest friend, and your greediest uncle had a kid, it’d be Sallie Mae/Navient. Despite the fact that the US has around $1.4 Trillion dollars worth of student debt, the US is still under the delusion that they will be paid back…and their plan starts with you! They know who you are. They know where you live. And they have a very particular set of skills, skills they have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make them a nightmare for people like you. They will look for you, they will find you, and they will kill your chance at ever having credit again. Beat them to the punch by faking your own death!

10. Die

Or just die for real. Work doesn’t matter if you’re dead right? 🙃🙃🙃

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On a serious note, being out of work sucks, especially when you’ve worked really hard to get your degrees or come as far as you have. While it may seem like there’s little recourse, do the best you can in researching positions, open roles, interview prep, and making a constructive strategy for re-entering. There’s no shame in it taking time and your worth is not determined by your job title. Further, give yourself time to be kind to yourself and reach out for help when you need it. Tough times don’t always last but tough people do! We got this!

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